Top Ten Homer Simpson Moments

I recently published my top ten favorite comedies of all time. In it I included video clips for most of the shows on the list. Let me tell you, searching for these clips was a blast. Most notably for a bit from The Simpsons. I used to adore The Simpsons, but over the last 5 years or so they have fallen from grace, and I do not watch new episodes. In disgust, I placed them at number nine on my list, even though if they had killed the show after say the sixteenth season it would have been a no-brainer top five. Anyways, I figured since I had such a fun time watching these simpsons videos it would make a nice blog post. Here ten awesome Homer Simpson moments, unranked. There are certainly more, just not available on youtube. Enjoy!

Top Ten Television Comedies

Yesterday I wrote a piece on my ten favorite television dramas. In it I explained that when comparing television shows it's important to categorize based on genre. I will not make a list of my favorite shows that includes both comedies and dramas, there is a clear distinction, when crafting a show, between a comedy and a drama and I believe it useless to compare the two. Sure there is overlap; comedy in dramas and drama in comedies, but when looking at a show's over-arching plot you should easily be able to see that one is a comedy and one a drama. Again, I will mention that this is my list, and certainly subjective. I am twenty two years old, so I have a bias towards more modern television. This was a really tough list to come up with. I knew which ten I wanted to be on the list, but to rank them was arduous and to be frank unnecessary. They are all so good, and in most cases the show is yet to be complete. So take this ranking with a grain of salt. Anyways, without further adieu:

10) Parks and Recreation

From the creators of The Office, Parks and Rec follows the ups and downs of a parks department in small town, USA. Amy Poehler plays an over-zealous deputy director of the Parks department in the City of Pawnee, Indiana. My favorite character is hands down Ron Swanson, the director of the parks department, Poehler's boss. He is a libertarian and plays a perfect foil to Poehler.

9) The Simpsons

The only reason The Simpsons is so low is because of everything they have done after season fifteen. Seasons five through fifteen was some of the funniest television in history. The Simpsons is legendary, but unfortunately it has gone stale and in my humble opinion it is not funny anymore. It's too bad they have tarnished such a stellar reputation, although I'm not sure those in charge really care anymore, The Simpsons is a money making machine. To not include it on this list would be foolish, but for me, with the calibre of television they are pumping out nowadays, I can't put it close to the top five.

8) The Office

Another show which is past its prime, a show that has jumped the proverbial shark. But in its heyday The Office was just plain funny. Again its too bad that it's rep has been tarnished with this last season's monstrosity. With Carell leaving after his contract expires following next season, I believe the show will be done. So hopefully they will pick up their socks and deliver a good final season.

7) Family Guy

A lot of people don't like family guy. I love it. Sure their bits can get annoying - that Conway Twitty thing was out of line - and they are certainly hit and miss. But in my opinion they hit more often than miss, and the hits are fucking hilarious. Brian, the anthropomorphic dog, occasionally retreats into his instincts as a dog, and it is always gold.

6) 30 Rock

The fourth season just concluded, and 30 Rock shows no signs of slowing down. Following the people who make The Girly Show, a live-to-air sketch comedy show, not unlike SNL. Tina Fey is a comedic genius and her soul has been firmly placed at the center of this show. She had years of hilarity on SNL, so she knows the inner working of a show like The Girly Show. 

5) Trailer Park Boys

A show about three buddies who live in a trailer park. These guys are alcoholics, addicted to dope, and get by day-to-day with various drug dealing and criminal schemes. Watch this show from the start of a season to the end, the story arc is amazing. Every season usually starts anew as the boys get a fresh start coming out of prison. By the end of the season some combination of characters is back in jail after another failed scheme. The comedy in this show is not typical, and centers on the stupidity of these small town hosers. As my dad will point out: these dudes would be farting all day long, but not once do they make a fart joke.

4) Curb Your Enthusiasm

From the genius mind of Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm is simply unreal. Its ironic storytelling to the max. This show is semi-scripted, which makes it that much more impressive. Follow Larry David around as he gets into all kind of trouble running amok of the town and his friends and neighbors. If you are a fan of Seinfeld, do yourself a favor and pick up the season seven DVDs. The season's plot is based on the development of a reunion Seinfeld episode. We will probably never have a real Seinfeld reunion, but who cares, this was way better. Watch it!

3) South Park

South Park is the shit. After fourteen seasons this show is still pumping out gold. Matt Stone and Trey Parker are fearless - too bad their parent company is made up of a bunch of pussies - they tackle any and every social issue. And this keeps the show fresh, as these ten year old boys are able to conquer the greatest of social issues with relative ease. Unfortunately the dudes at viacom have something stuck up their ass and a video clip could not be found on youtube.

2) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

The funniest show since Seinfeld. Only through five seasons, this show has the potential to surpass Seinfeld for that number one spot in my books. Four ego-centric friends from Philly run an unsuccessful dive bar. After the first season, Danny Devito joined the cast and what he brings to the table is immeasurable. Another semi-scripted show, he brings a wicked attitude and acting acumen essential for the shows potential. The best stuff comes after season 2, when Danny's character really takes a turn towards a more scum filled lifestyle. Watch this show, it is so damn funny.

1) Seinfeld

The most successful sitcom in history, third most viewed series finale of all time. 76 million viewers. To this day, Jerry Seinfeld is the second highest earner in the television industry, earning $60 mil a year. A quote from Wikipedia, "...Seinfeld focused on [life's] minutiae, such as waiting in line at the movies, going out for dinner, buying a suit and, basically, dealing with the petty injustices of life." I have one friend who doesn't like Seinfeld. There was a point where I would argue with him, but I have resigned myself to the fact that he is being stubborn now and is missing out. So when the topic arises, I simply ignore the conversation. I posted the following video to his facebook wall with the comment, "Suck It". His response was, "Top ten lamest moments ever?". Boy do I pity him. This is the funniest show in television history. The numbers prove it. The fact that over ten years after the finale it still gets plenty of air time proves it. Just watch a fucking episode and tell me your sides aren't splitting. If you don't like this show, you don't like comedy or sitcoms. And I guess that's cool, your life will have a void though, and your existence will be less fulfilling.

Top Ten Television Dramas

Upon the conclusion of Lost I figured it incumbent upon me to put down a list of my favorite television shows. It's a tough list to come up with, particularly because there is such a large variety of genres. But also because a lot of my favorite shows are not yet complete, so it is hard to judge the entire body of work. I do not wish to compare apples to oranges, in that respect I will make two top ten lists. One for for pure comedies and one for dramas, dramedies, etc. No reality shows, no talk-shows, just pure scripted / semi-scripted television. I must add that obviously a list of one's favorite television shows is a purely subjective measure. If you do not like my list please comment with your own.

Honorable mentions to Dexter, Mad Men. I have not seen these shows, thus the honorable mentions. They are widely followed and crititically acclaimed. So trust me, they are on my list.

10) Law & Order

It's hard to argue with success. The original came to a close on monday night. It had been on the air for twenty years, the longest running crime drama on TV, and tied for the longest running drama. When a show gets such a following and produces multiple spin-offs, you know the formula is working. I don't religiously follow any of the shows, but I can't help myself if I find an episode starting when I'm browsing through the guide. These are their stories.

9) Weeds

Probably more of a comedy than a drama. But still a great plot and plenty of drama. A newly widowed suburbanite mother of two turns to selling pot to support her family after the death of her husband. Over the course of the show, she finds herself increasingly entangled in crime. Great entertainment. Shane learning a life lesson:

8) Rescue Me

An FDNY firehouse set in a post 9/11 New York. The show follows the men of the firehouse in the daily professional and personal lives. A dramedy in every sense of the word. Denis Leary plays the main character, Tommy Gavin, who struggles with his recent divorce, alcoholism, and the loss of his brethren on 9/11, especially his cousin and best friend. The firehouse's lieutenant's take on life:

7) Sons of Anarchy

A wicked drama about the lives of a close-knit outlaw motorcycle club. The show follows Jackson Teller, the thirty-something VP of the club, as he struggles with club loyalty, adjusting to life as a father, and the daily problems that arise from being an outlaw. Only through two seasons, the show has been picked up for a third by FX, and shows no signs of giving up, as viewership/ratings have been high. The season two trailer:

6) Californication

If you do not know what this show is, or is about, then shame on you. David Duchovny plays the lead in this comedy about a book writer always running into trouble with sex, drugs and women, while struggling to maintain a relationship with his ex-girlfriend and trying to raise his daughter in a less than normal environment for a teenager. Watch it!

5) Breaking Bad

Bryan Cranston (best known as the dad from Malcolm in the Middle, or the dentist Tim Whatley from Seinfeld, lol) plays a high school chemistry teacher who is diagnosed with cancer. With a pregnant wife and a disabled son, he has plenty of responsibilities. To pay the bills of his treatment and set up his family for the future he decides to put his extensive knowledge of chemistry to work cooking crystal meth. Mayhem ensues. Currently in its third season, this show is simply awesome, do whatever you can to watch it. The opening scene of the series:

4) The West Wing

The West Wing provides a glimpse into presidential politics in the nation's capital as it tells the stories of the members of a fictional presidential administration. These interesting characters have humor and dedication that touches the heart while the politics that they discuss touch on everyday life. The show is long over, but while on the air it was highly decarated, critically acclaimed, and widely followed. If you're into politics, get your hands on the DVDs.

3) Lost

Simply amazing. LOST follows the lives of survivors of a plane crash on a mysterious island. For those who have not seen it, a warning: if you plan to watch it clear your calendar for about three weeks, because if will consume you. I started watching after the fourth season had ended. I couldn't stop watching. I have seen it happen to many of my friends, they literally get LOST (I know its a brutal pun) in the drama. The show is set in the unknown, throughout the show the properties of this mysterious island are slowly revealed, and to fully understand the show you will need to accept the supernatural. While on the air, and probably forever, this show created a mainstream cult following, whereby fans would try to decipher the hidden meaning in the show.

1) The Wire

Following characters on both the law enforcement and gangster sides of Baltimore's drug trade. As you watch The Wire you come to empathize with both sides and no real protagonist / antagonist is developed. Furthermore, the show draws countless parallels between the two sides. Each season focuses on a different theme, and this keeps the show fresh. In later seasons a political angle and a major Baltimore newspaper are thrown into the mix. The Wire is arguably the best show ever created, its the reason you pay for HBO, the reason to watch TV. Nothing supernatural, just real television, the closest thing to real life in a television series. When choosing the best television drama I will not choose between my two favorites. I just won't do it, lots of people have a favorite, but to me they are both so incredible that its not worth comparing. Here's the opening scene of the series:

1) The Sopranos

Following the life of Tony Soprano, the head of a fictional mob, as he struggles to find a balance between his personal life and the mafia. The perfect crime drama, drawing from every great mafia movie including Goodfellas, The Godfather, Casino, etc. In theme and talent, as there is plenty of overlap in actors from the movies and the show. What's more is that James Gandolfini, while certainly an overwhelming presence and a perfect fit for the role of Tony Soprano, is a poet/artist/gentle soul in real life. He is just so dedicated to his craft that Tony Soprano was one of the more intimidating characters of all time.

Parks and Recreation: The Master Plan

Rob Lowe and Adam Scott made their debut last night on 'Parks and Recreation' and my god was it amazing. This show has been stellar since day one, so while an injection of star power and hilarity was not needed, it was totally welcome. The two play state auditors sent from the governor's office to help fix Pawnee's budget woes.

The city of Pawnee is "bordering on a full blown crisis." At this point Ron Swasnon makes his first priceless face of the ep. The thought that the budget problems will force the government to cut back has Ron so giddy he can hardly contain himself.

Rob Lowe, the superior in the duo, is upbeat, in your face and an all around freak. When he first meets Ron and Leslie, in lieu of the customary handshake, he slowly repeats the name of the person he is meeting while shoving a finger in their face. During the ep, Leslie comes to meet with Scott and Lowe is in the office with a bunch of bottles of vitamins on his desk, "Would you like a vitamin, B-12, evening primrose oil, willaber, magnesium... I take care of my body above all else: diet, exercise, supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being." Leslie, "I'm here to speak with Ben actually." Lowe, "Great I'm going to listen to some ocean sounds and do some chin-ups."

When describing his role to the gang from the Parks Department, "We are here to tinker with your budget. Think of the government as a broken down carousel. We are gonna slap on a new coat of paint. We are gonna fix that broken speaker system. And get those happy kids back up on the horses where they belong." Adam Scott plays the perfect foil to this euphemistic nut job. Being the more practical and hands-on of the duo, he meets with Ron and Leslie to discuss budget cuts, "I'ld like to talk about where you think there is waste within your department." Ron's response is priceless, "What exactly will you be cutting, and how much of it, and can I watch you do it while eating pork cracklins?" The juxtaposition of Leslie and Ron's contrasting views of government comes to a front in this episode. Obviously Leslie is terrified of cutbacks, so Scott gives it to her straight, "Ok, you need to understand that just to keep this city afloat we probably have to cut the budget of every department by forty to fifty percent." Ron's response can only be described as restrained jubilation. And of course, Leslie is irate, "but Chris (Rob Lowe) said that you just had to tinker with things." Scott responds, "Ya, he said that because that sounds a lot better than we are going to gut it with a machete." At this point, while making a stabbing motion, Ron lets out a cackle and produces golden face number two.

The subplot of the episode is the love story between April and Andy. The two have been beating around the bush for most of the season, and when it appeared that they were going to have their first date a few episodes back Andy pulled away when April was not let into a bar for being underage. Andy is 29 and in this episode April is turning 21, so she is excited and believes this is the night for her and Andy. The hitch in her plan is that Ann, Andy's ex, is also at the party and wasted because she just broke up with Mark. Andy offers to get April a drink, but when he reaches the bar Ann is right there and wants to talk about their failed relationship. This takes the classic dumb guy turn, as Andy takes way too much time talking with Ann, April gets jealous, and the two do not hit it off. I'm not sure what my feelings are towards this development, my assumption is that the two would end up together at some point. And even with this snag, I still think they will. But I do not know if I care to see them get together. Regardless this was an averagely funny subplot, and at times was even annoying and awkward. Comedies often strive for that 'funny awkward' but it usually just ends up being annoyingly awkward and I rarely enjoy them. To me this was not the good kind of awkward.

Another subplot involves Tom. He invites a bunch of good looking women to April's birthday party thinking that he could "end the night with 1 to 4 girlfriends." Obviously he cannot close the deal with any of them. But in a wicked turn of fate, while paying for his bar tab the next day he successfully asks out the semi-cute barkeep. Good for Tom, love to see him happy after that green-card marriage ended so poorly.

The episode ends with Ron and Leslie presenting their cuts of 35% to Lowe and Scott. Lowe is impressed, but regrets that the point is moot because their investigation has revealed that the situation in Pawnee is much worse than originally anticipated. So much so that "effective tomorrow morning the entire government will be shut down until further notice." Queue Ron's third beauty face. 

This episode was the prelude to the season finale next week. Bringing in Lowe and Scott was incredible. The two are perfect foils for each other and insanely funny. But even more than that, they bring out the best in Ron and Leslie. I can't wait to see what happens next week!

Top Ten Tracy Jordan Quotes

Tracy Morgan is the man. He stars on the always funny '30 Rock' as Tracy Jordan; a movie star who has been tapped for a live television show. Jordan is highly erratic, unpredictable, at times dim witted and just downright funny. Throughout the series he has been a fountain of one liners. He is straight up 'Mentally Ill'. Here is a list of his top ten quotes.

1) From 'Seinfeld Vision'

Tracy sees Liz Lemon in a wedding dress: 

"Oh, no! Did a Korean person die?"

2) From 'Jack the Writer'

"Live every week like it's Shark Week."

3) From 'Hard Ball' 

Tracy: "I love this cornbread so much, I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant."

Later in the ep, Tracy: "I love Halo so much, I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant."

[others laugh] 

Kenneth: "Why are you laughing so hard? It's just the same joke he said earlier."

Tracy: "That can't be right. I like to keep my material fresh. I like it so fresh I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant."

4) From 'Somebody to Love'

Giving Jack love life advice: 

"Tell her that you want your privates and her privates to do a high-five."

5) From 'Jack-tor'

"I can't read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent! I think I voted for Nader! NADER!"

6) From 'Secrets and Lies'

Tracy accepts a fake Pacific Rim emmy: 

"I do not want to disappoint our Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Hahaha! I’m just kidding, I know he doesn't care what humans do."

7) From 'The Collection'

"I’m whipped! Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know that in the morning, they have food, TV, almost everything? It’s pretty good."

8) From 'Somebody To Love'

"Tell her she has some tig old biddies like the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. Tell her you want to donate her body to science, and use science. Tell her Jack!"

9) From 'The Rural Juror'

Jack: "Look, Tracy, I can't just give you money. But what I can do is show you how you can earn all the money you need. You must know Arsenio..." 

Tracy: "Hall or Billingham?" 

Jack: "You know someone named Arsenio Billingham?" 

Tracy: "No."

10) From 'The Collection'

"I'm sorry, Liz, this is who I am. You can't ask a bird not to fly. You can't ask a fish not to swim. You can't ask a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight!"

Top Ten Charlie Kelly Quotes

'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' is the best show on television, period. The show is about four egocentric friends and Danny Devito running a dive bar in Philadelphia. Charlie Kelly, played by Charlie Day, is hands-down my favorite character on television today. Around Christmas of 2009 they wrapped up season five. Season six is slatted to begin September 16, 2010 and I could not be more pumped. To get us through the lull, here are Charlie's top ten quotes, in no particular order (I just won't judge them because they are all too fucking funny).

1) From 'The Gang Exploits a Miracle' 

Charlie is preaching to his congregation:

“Here's a confession: I’m in love with a man. What? I’m in love with a man ... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.”

2) From 'Underage Drinking: A National Concern'

Charlie gets caught up in his friendship with some high school kids:

“That’s Tammy, Trey’s ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kinallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timby at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous, because, you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Hannabry, but he doesn’t like Erin Hannabry; it was all a bunch of bull.”

3) From 'The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby'

Charlie leaves a note in the bar after stealing the dumpster baby:

“Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day sometime.”

4) From 'Mac and Dennis: Manhunters'

Charlie can't shake the hunger for human meat and is torn by this moral dilemma:

“Cannibalism? Racism? Dude, that’s not for us ... those decisions are better left to the suits in Washington. We’re just here to eat some dude!”

5) From 'The Gang Dances Their Asses Off'

Charlie talks shit to Dennis before a dance-off:

“Let me tell you a little lesson, buddy. The cream always rises to the top. And I’m about to show you the white, hot cream of an eighth-grade boy.”

6) From 'The Waitress is Getting Married'

Charlie orders food while on a blind date:

“Yes, my good man, I’ll have the milk steak, boiled over hard, and your finest jelly beans ... raw.”

7) From 'The Gang Runs for Office'

Dennis reading the words that Charlie wrote for him as his campaign manager:

"I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you, thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot. What? Taxes, they'll be lower... son. The Democratic vote is the right thing to do Philadelphia, so do."

8) From 'Mac's Banging the Waitress'

Charlie's suspicion of Mac is heightened so he drinks 24 beers. He is sleeping with Dennis when Mac comes in to confirm to Dennis that he is in fact his best friend... Charlie wakes up:

Charlie in a drunken, slurred voice: "Woah, what is this? What am I seeing?"

Dennis: "Nothing man you're having a dream right now."

Mac: "Ya, just a dream."

Charlie: "I'm dreaming. Are you sure cause I feel like I'm awake"

Dennis: "No man, this is a dream that I am having."

Charlie: "Am I peeing?"

Dennis: "Are you peeing?????"

Mac: "He's pissing all over the bed!"

Dennis: "O, Jesus he's peeing!"

Mac: "I told you he was going to do it. I knew he was going to do it. He drank too much. God Dammit!"

Charlie: "Hey guys if I'm peeing, wake me up."

9) From 'The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby'

Charlie believes that the dumpster baby is the love child between the waitress and Frank, so he goes to the coffee shop to confront the waitress:

"You know there was a time where I'd help you raise this little dumpster baby brother of mine like a son. But that's gone now 'cause you ruined it. You threw your babies away. And you threw your swords away. You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats! And ya know what? I found 'em. And I'm gonna raise all of them!"

10) From 'Mac and Dennis Break Up'

Sweet Dee has a cat stuck in her wall and Charlie has the solution:

Charlie: "Cat in the wall, eh! Ok. Know you're talking my language. I know this game. Alright, catch me up to speed here. What do we got?"

Dee: "Come on, you're putting cheetos fingers all over the wall."

Charlie: "Alright, let's focus Dee. What's the point of entry here?"

Dee: "That's the thing Charlie. I've been looking all around this goddamn place, I can't find one."

Charlie: "Alright I've seen this before. You know what happened? I bet it flattened itself out, went right through a seem in your wall."

Dee: "I don't think there's anything in the laws of nature that would support that."

Charlie: "Cats do not abide by the laws of nature, alright. You don't know shit about cats."

...Dee: "I think its stuck in there."

Charlie: "No! It is not stuck. Alright let's focus on what's happening with the cat, alright. It made a conscious decision to go in your wall."

Dee: "Really?"

Charlie: "Absolutely. Absolutely. It chose to be in there, it wants to be in your wall Dee."

Dee: "I was thinking about getting some catnip."

Charlie: "Nonono, don't do that! It's gonna know that's a trap Dee, ok? That's gonna irritate the cat. And then its gonna dig itself down further and we may never get to it, ok? Let's start thinking like a cat here alright. You know what? We need another cat. That's what we need. Here's what were gonna do: I'm gonna crack a little hole in your wall, a tiny one, it'll be cool. And then I'm gonna slip a second cat with a string tied around it. Those two will become co-dependent, then I'll rip the second cat out, and the first one hopefully, hopefully will follow."

...Dee: "Alright, where we gonna get this other cat?"

Charlie: "O, I can get you another cat. I got followed here by like ten cats. Yaa, they're starting to following me these days."

Here's a bonus vid from the Christmas special: