Top Ten Charlie Kelly Quotes

'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' is the best show on television, period. The show is about four egocentric friends and Danny Devito running a dive bar in Philadelphia. Charlie Kelly, played by Charlie Day, is hands-down my favorite character on television today. Around Christmas of 2009 they wrapped up season five. Season six is slatted to begin September 16, 2010 and I could not be more pumped. To get us through the lull, here are Charlie's top ten quotes, in no particular order (I just won't judge them because they are all too fucking funny).

1) From 'The Gang Exploits a Miracle' 

Charlie is preaching to his congregation:

“Here's a confession: I’m in love with a man. What? I’m in love with a man ... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.”

2) From 'Underage Drinking: A National Concern'

Charlie gets caught up in his friendship with some high school kids:

“That’s Tammy, Trey’s ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kinallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timby at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous, because, you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Hannabry, but he doesn’t like Erin Hannabry; it was all a bunch of bull.”

3) From 'The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby'

Charlie leaves a note in the bar after stealing the dumpster baby:

“Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day sometime.”

4) From 'Mac and Dennis: Manhunters'

Charlie can't shake the hunger for human meat and is torn by this moral dilemma:

“Cannibalism? Racism? Dude, that’s not for us ... those decisions are better left to the suits in Washington. We’re just here to eat some dude!”

5) From 'The Gang Dances Their Asses Off'

Charlie talks shit to Dennis before a dance-off:

“Let me tell you a little lesson, buddy. The cream always rises to the top. And I’m about to show you the white, hot cream of an eighth-grade boy.”

6) From 'The Waitress is Getting Married'

Charlie orders food while on a blind date:

“Yes, my good man, I’ll have the milk steak, boiled over hard, and your finest jelly beans ... raw.”

7) From 'The Gang Runs for Office'

Dennis reading the words that Charlie wrote for him as his campaign manager:

"I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you, thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot. What? Taxes, they'll be lower... son. The Democratic vote is the right thing to do Philadelphia, so do."

8) From 'Mac's Banging the Waitress'

Charlie's suspicion of Mac is heightened so he drinks 24 beers. He is sleeping with Dennis when Mac comes in to confirm to Dennis that he is in fact his best friend... Charlie wakes up:

Charlie in a drunken, slurred voice: "Woah, what is this? What am I seeing?"

Dennis: "Nothing man you're having a dream right now."

Mac: "Ya, just a dream."

Charlie: "I'm dreaming. Are you sure cause I feel like I'm awake"

Dennis: "No man, this is a dream that I am having."

Charlie: "Am I peeing?"

Dennis: "Are you peeing?????"

Mac: "He's pissing all over the bed!"

Dennis: "O, Jesus he's peeing!"

Mac: "I told you he was going to do it. I knew he was going to do it. He drank too much. God Dammit!"

Charlie: "Hey guys if I'm peeing, wake me up."

9) From 'The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby'

Charlie believes that the dumpster baby is the love child between the waitress and Frank, so he goes to the coffee shop to confront the waitress:

"You know there was a time where I'd help you raise this little dumpster baby brother of mine like a son. But that's gone now 'cause you ruined it. You threw your babies away. And you threw your swords away. You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats! And ya know what? I found 'em. And I'm gonna raise all of them!"

10) From 'Mac and Dennis Break Up'

Sweet Dee has a cat stuck in her wall and Charlie has the solution:

Charlie: "Cat in the wall, eh! Ok. Know you're talking my language. I know this game. Alright, catch me up to speed here. What do we got?"

Dee: "Come on, you're putting cheetos fingers all over the wall."

Charlie: "Alright, let's focus Dee. What's the point of entry here?"

Dee: "That's the thing Charlie. I've been looking all around this goddamn place, I can't find one."

Charlie: "Alright I've seen this before. You know what happened? I bet it flattened itself out, went right through a seem in your wall."

Dee: "I don't think there's anything in the laws of nature that would support that."

Charlie: "Cats do not abide by the laws of nature, alright. You don't know shit about cats."

...Dee: "I think its stuck in there."

Charlie: "No! It is not stuck. Alright let's focus on what's happening with the cat, alright. It made a conscious decision to go in your wall."

Dee: "Really?"

Charlie: "Absolutely. Absolutely. It chose to be in there, it wants to be in your wall Dee."

Dee: "I was thinking about getting some catnip."

Charlie: "Nonono, don't do that! It's gonna know that's a trap Dee, ok? That's gonna irritate the cat. And then its gonna dig itself down further and we may never get to it, ok? Let's start thinking like a cat here alright. You know what? We need another cat. That's what we need. Here's what were gonna do: I'm gonna crack a little hole in your wall, a tiny one, it'll be cool. And then I'm gonna slip a second cat with a string tied around it. Those two will become co-dependent, then I'll rip the second cat out, and the first one hopefully, hopefully will follow."

...Dee: "Alright, where we gonna get this other cat?"

Charlie: "O, I can get you another cat. I got followed here by like ten cats. Yaa, they're starting to following me these days."

Here's a bonus vid from the Christmas special: